the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
