you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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