she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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