Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
