they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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