My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
