I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize