I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
