Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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