According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
