I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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