ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
