Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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