Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
