made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think i have two assholes
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
