As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
