It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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