Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
