i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
