So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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