Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She bit a glass in half.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
