I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
