You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
