dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
