By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
