Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
