Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
