we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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