True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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