just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
