if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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