When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
