I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
