Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize