I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
