I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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