I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
