he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
