Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
