I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All I want is dick and wine.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
