Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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