I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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