I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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