I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
