dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
