My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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