My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
