2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
