I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
