This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
