she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
