I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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