Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
