I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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