I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
