just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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