I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
