he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
