So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
