so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
