I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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