you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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