What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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