Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
