In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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