It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
