And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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