She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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